| Excerpt from Both Sides Now |
|
|
|
| Written by Dhillon Khosla | |
| Monday, 31 July 2006 | |
|
WHEN I ARRIVED FOR MY APPOINTMENT AT DR. BROWNSTEIN'S office, he carefully unwrapped the bandages and then began to pull out the stitches along the bottom of my pecs. He placed a thin strip of surgical tape over the scars and told me to continue to do that for several months so the scars would be less likely to thicken while they were healing. I remember feeling hurried; I wanted to get back to Selena's place as quickly as possible. When I made it back to the apartment, I immediately threw off my sweater and walked over to her closet mirror. I stood there, looking at my chest in the reflection of the mirror. And for the first time, it looked right. True, it was a relatively small chest and there were long red lines along the bottom -- but it was flat and tight. Not one bit of loose tissue remained. Dr. Bownstein had kept his promise.I started to rummage through Selena's drawers, searching for plain T-shirts and simple-style sweaters. I didn't own any formfitting clothes because, up until now, I had only worn loose shirts that de-emphasized my breasts. Everything I tried on-no matter how tight-looked right. Finally, the material fell flat and smooth. Within a short time, I had created a pile of clothes on the bed and I began to feel tired from the effort. My chest started to ache in the places where the stitches had been. I took a pain pill, and climbed on top of the bed, lying among the sweaters and T-shirts.As the medicine kicked in, I started to think about work and about Sarah's offer to write a memo. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was my best chance to confront my fears head-on. If I told my own story, then no one else could claim to be the expert on the issue. Those people who went to my boss demanding to know who was having the sex change would no longer have the power of being among the few who held this secret. And if I admitted that I was afraid of being judged, it would probably take some of the fun away from those who wanted to judge me. It's like someone taunting, "You're a chicken-you're scared," and your saying, "Yes, you're right-I am scared." I slowly got up off the bed, made my way to Selena's computer, and sat down to write. Dear Co-workers: As you know, I am currently undergoing sex-reassignment surgery and hormone therapy. This decision comes out of a long history ofgender dysphoria and subsequent consultation with and treatment by various professionals. Because it is my experience that exposure to the foreign and unknoun can lead to discomfort and misconception, I want to take this opportunity to provide you with a bit of background information.7here is now scientific evidence to indicate that this condition (1) is biologically caused by prenatal distribution of hormones in that the brain receives a different message than the body andlor (2) arises out of the genetic DNA structure itself in that the DNA of some individuals is actually unclear when tested (this resulted in several women having to drop out of the Olympics when they did not 'pass' the sensitive DNA testing). I don't think I could ever fully describe the pain and anguish of hearing "she" and "ma'am" and "miss," and feeling invisible-to the point where isolation became less painful than socializing. The additional difficulty for me has been that, because I love women and feminine energy, I thought it would be unfair for me to reject the physical female attributes in myself. However, what I have come to see is that by simply bringing my body in alignment with my internal reality, I can accept all of myself. The decision to undergo this physical transformation is in actuality a culmination of a struggle; it is not an initiation of one. However, having said that, I know that the transition period will be painful to the extent that I fear judgment and reactions from others. Because I will already be vulnerable during this period, reactions from others will most definitely make the transition even more difficult. And while I do not expect the kind of unconditional love and support that I receive from friends and family, I do hope for the same kind of warmth and respect that I have felt fortunate to experience from this office in the past. Thank you, dhillon (Asha) khoslaThe next day, Selena called from work and told me that every division was having a meeting in the afternoon. She figured it was going to be about me and my transition-and said she would keep me informed. I hung up, feeling nervous with anticipation - like an expectant parent. I felt as if people would be expecting me to look dramatically different when I returned to work, and all I would have was a flat chest that would be noticeable only if I wore tight clothing. I was already impatient enough on my own, and facing these people as "Dhillon" made me feel more pressure. I just wanted to get through the next few months as quickly as possible.I sat around the rest of the day, reading magazines and watched bad television, until Selena finally called with an update. She had gone to our criminal division meeting where Sarah told people that I was undergoing a sex change and then gave out the memos. She also offered a copy of the New Yorker article for those who were interested. The memo given out by my bosses said that "malicious gossiping" would not be tolerated. Selena said that during the meeting no one said a word. About an hour later, I was checking my email when I saw there were messages from my coworkers. As soon as I saw the subject, such as "moral support," the tears welled up in my eyes. But it was this one, written by a female coworker, which impacted me the most: Dear Dhillon, Having just heard of your ongoing transformation, I wanted to offer encouragement and emotional support. To be honest, I was surprised. However, my surprise immediately transformed into enormous respect for you and the courage you have to trust us, your coworkers, with your very personal decision. I cannot even begin to imagine the internal turmoil you have experienced, and the fear you must have in returning to work. It takes guts. As a friend, I sincerely hope you will find the inner peace you so deserve. You are a brave, sensitive, thoughtful, intelligent, warm person, and this is the person I choose to see. if there is anything you need, please let me know. I understood she was saying that regardless of what sex I was, it was the person inside for whom she cared. And because she also accepted the fact that I needed to do this, I was able to believe her. |
|
| Last Updated ( Thursday, 10 August 2006 ) |
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|