Gender, Law and fatherhood

by Steven Svoboda 

Men’s and women fears are such a powerful topic I hardly know where to begin. I suppose my fears in regard to marriage/close relationships with women are pretty typical for males: losing freedom, being overrun emotionally, settling for less than all I can be. Expressing the fears is almost enough to start to transcend them and to begin to see them as silly relics of messages imprinted on me as a boy. I am lucky enough to be happily married, to have two wonderful children, and to basically feel good about all phases of my life. And yet of course, there are always issues and “frontiers for growth.”

My wife Paula and I are in a sense somewhat androgynous, in that we each incorporate some elements more commonly associated with the opposite sex. I am strongly creative and relatively emotional (at least by male standards) while my wife is relatively logical and unemotional (at least by female standards). And yet each of us has many familiar gender traits. I tend to be careless about my physical appearance, preoccupied with success in the outside world, and like to focus on one task at a time. I also tend to fall into the limit-setting and active physical playing roles with our kids. Paula is more interested and skilled in certain esthetically- and domestically-oriented pursuits like cooking and gardening, and is better at multi-tasking.

Age is creeping up on me. Since my last column I have had not one but two forceful, physical reminders of this fact. A few weeks ago I fell down our undersized, outdated staircase (built 85 years ago) and badly twisted my ankle. The result was a horribly swollen foot on which I couldn’t even walk at all for a couple days and couldn’t until recently walk without serious pain and a substantial limp. Secondly, as a result of my brain surgery last year and also of the hundreds of rock concerts I have attended in my life (though often with earplugs), I have a hearing loss and am currently trying out hearing aids in both ears.

I ended up parting ways with my employer soon after my last column. All the dishonesty and dysfunction I faced in the final weeks were quite unpleasant but the time off has been great as I have been able to organize our basement, including my collection of magazines and books relating to men’s issues and gender equity. I’m starting a new patent law job next month with a prestigious firm that will ask a lot of me and have much to offer too. Despite a commute I am dreading, and a plan to spend two nights a week away from my wife and kids, I am looking forward to the challenge.

Lately there has been a remarkable spate of good news on the gender equity front. Legal developments favoring men often result from cases pitting two women against each other. So it is that in the “be careful what you wish for” department, a Delaware lesbian mother of triplets who sought and received $721 monthly child support from her ex-partner was barred from appealing a joint custody order. In an interesting counterpoint to this case, a divorced Ontario woman who sabotaged her five-year-old twin boys’ relationship with their father was stripped of their custody in an Ontario Court of Appeal decision. This seems to be a clear message that “parental alienation” will not be tolerated.

One issue dear to the heart of any parent is the drive to protect our kids from potential sexual predators. Sadly, it is not just male predators we need to fear. A 51-year-old female West Palm Beach, Florida elementary school teacher who pleaded guilty to seducing an 11-year-old student is behind bars as she started her five-year sentence in March. A 38-year-old female West Virginia 6^th grade teacher has received a sentence of 4 to 20 years in prison for having sex with four boys under the age of 16. The court rejected her attempts to excuse her behavior as connected to her regimen of Prozac and diet pills.

In Ontario, a Cobourg dad is demanding that the courts and agencies ostensibly set up to protect children remove his 7-year-old daughter from the home shared by his ex-wife and her new boyfriend, a man convicted of sexual assault of a 14-year-old girl.

Backed by the National Center for Men, computer programmer Matt Dubay has filed a lawsuit asking the court to relieve him of liability to support a child he never agreed to have. The mother falsely (and contradictorily) told him that she was infertile and was using contraception. Disappointingly, Concerned Women for America (CWA), a frequent supporter of men’s issues, has aligned itself in opposition to the lawsuit.  Their “reasoning” is that “this is merely an attempt for these men to avoid their responsibilities if their ‘girlfriends’ shoulder their own duties and refuse to have an abortion.” But of course the point is that the girlfriend in question is not shouldering any duty but rather exercising her choice as to whether or not to have a child. Her right to an abortion would be upheld if that were the decision she made. Men are demanding a similar choice. If they are defrauded into fatherhood, it stands to reason they should not be held liable to pay for a child that only the mother chose.

Positive legislation is underway in several US states. A Florida paternity fraud bill has passed both houses and is awaiting the signature of Gov. Jeb Bush. The legislation allows men who are not fathers of the children they support to lift court orders for them to pay support. The companion bill is currently being considered by the Florida Senate. Iowa fathers’ rights activists have drawn up legislation currently under consideration that would force judges to follow existing law presuming that joint physical custody is in the best interests of the child. What a waste of resources it is to have to file follow-up laws to force courts to do what they are already required to do. New York Assembly bill A330 and New York Senate companion bill S.291 would establish joint custody as the preferred parenting arrangement following divorce. Similar bills are under consideration in West Virginia and Michigan, while in North Dakota, citizens are gathering signatures to require shared parenting to be placed on the state ballot this November.

Massachusetts fathers’ rights activist Kevin Thompson has received an unprecedented order prohibiting him to distribute his book Exposing the Corruption in Massachusetts Family Courts. The court’s further acts in impounding the records of Thompson’s custody case demonstrate its desire to keep secret its acts. “Family privacy” is being used to excuse these official misdeeds. In nearby New Hampshire, the world’s only Commission on the Status of Men, has issued its first biennial report on the status of men. A copy of this important document, which addresses a broad range of issues affecting men, can be accessed at www.nh.gov/csm/publications.html .

Although generally I feel we are overly litigious in the US, nevertheless it is nice when the goose and gander start to be treated more equally. We can hope that a coming trend is foreshadowed by the action of the US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission in recently filing a national class action sex discrimination lawsuit against Lawry’s Restaurants on behalf of male job applicants who were systematically refused jobs as food servers due to their sex.

A stunning victory for all fans of gender fairness and for fathers’ rights activists has been won in my home state. California Senator Gloria Romero (D-Los Angeles) withdrew SB 1482, which would have given custodial parents an almost unlimited right to move their children far away from the non-custodial parents, in the face of over 4,000 opposition calls, letters and faxes.

Smile a Father’s Day smile for Janusz Adamczyk, a Polish man whose Polish wife kidnapped her two daughters to the US, disappearing with no word to Janusz. He found his daughters, was tearfully reunited with them, and took them both back home. Another successful conclusion to a different yet similarly horrible ordeal came to Quebec Dad Gerry Nicolas. His nine-day hunger strike convinced the court to do what they are supposed to do, to enforce his every other weekend “visitation” with his two children.

Evidently there is no limit to the feminist chutzpah. A coalition of feminist groups is demanding yet another United Nations body devoted to women, claiming that the numerous existing agencies inadequately represent females’ interests. Naturally, the UN has no organization whatsoever devoted to males.

Three Duke Lacrosse players have been charged with rape of an exotic dancer in a case in which alarmingly, police omitted from their investigation potentially exonerating evidence of which they were aware.  The omitted details include that the woman had drunk at least 44 ounces of beer at the time of the alleged offenses, was simultaneously taking medication, and had had sex with at least four men and a sexual device in the days immediately leading up to the party. According to defense lawyers in the case, including the information might have prevented police from obtaining permission to perform the photo lineup that led to the charges.

We’re off to Dance Camp tomorrow, an event that everyone in the family loves. See you in three months.