Has anybody ever noticed how shit happens? This is my second attempt at writing this column and I really hate having to redo anything. I take pride in getting my musings in on time and that's not going to occur this issue. Actually this is a huge breakthrough for me. My column was complete and ready to send prior to the last weekend in February. Then I went away for that weekend to a personal growth seminar, came back from it and discovered everything I'd written was no longer true. In the past I would have sent it in anyway, arguing that I'd already done the work and once was enough! I saw powerfully how I hold on to things whether they still serve me or not. I chose now to surrender when something doesn't work and redo it. So here I am.

Some of you may be wondering what my original column was about. It was a follow up piece to the last issue when I wrote about my defunct relationship with Rose. That had happened back in September and much had happened since. All of it was her fault of course. Of course! In reading it you might have gotten the impression that as angry as I was with her, I was still holding on to the relationship for dear life. There's that holding on thing again. So the focus of this column is going to be on that age old question of whether a man and woman can be friends after they've had a sexual relationship.

Let me be clear that I have many female friends both in or out of relationship and the idea of having sex with them never occurs to me (or them with me I'll warrant). If you asked me if men and women can be friends without sex getting in the way I would say yes without reservation. But where there has been a sexual relationship? The jury is still out on that one and it seems I'm being presented with the opportunity to find out for myself.

I did everything in my power to resurrect my relationship with Rose and, in the interest of honesty, I still have feelings for her in spite of everything that happened between us. In October it became clear there was no going back and I cut off any further contact with her. We did have some contact at Christmas time and a few times after that. Until the last weekend in February that is. Events that occurred then left me asking the question I've posed about whether we can be friends in the aftermath of sex or if my want is to rebuild our relationship by creating a friendship.

The truth is that Rose and I were never friends. Last winter when I spent time at her house my focus was on her boys. She rarely shared herself with me and there was no making a friendship or anything else out of that. Then our relationship began abruptly and we were still almost strangers. The relationship was dysfunctional and did not have any foundation to support it. After it was over we were so mad at each other there was no conversation and no listening for it if there had been. Even though both of

us were committed to personal and spiritual growth ours was the epitome of an unconscious relationship. We were ruled by our shadows.

Then came that last weekend in February. Both of us were part of it, myself all weekend as a teaching assistant, and Rose on Saturday night as part of an alumni dance. During the day on Saturday I got how two decisions I had made as a 5 year old boy were ruling my life now. Out of another misadventure with my mother at that age I decided to hold on to everything and not let my light shine. When I say everything I mean it: I hold on to grudges, relationships that no longer serve me, jobs that are beneath me, living spaces that don't work for me and columns already written that aren't true any more. I never throw anything out. Last winter I finally got rid of a multitude of things: ten year old magazines I hadn't looked at twice, books I had read once tossed into a box and forgot about, clothing that no longer fit me or I wasn't wearing any more and so on.

The other half of this equation is a refusal to let my light shine and I do this by hiding out. I have a B.A. in psychology and there are two things you need to know about that. I drive a taxi for a living and my degree is buried in a storage bin; need I say more. My good friend Daniel Cahill recently told me I had far too much love in me to spend my life living alone, and yet at age 53 I've never had a great relationship. It was much easier to live in isolation and not give my love away. We did a process on my weekend away that allowed me to give this way of being up.

Rose and I talked some of Saturday night and we continued on Monday    

morning after the weekend. That evening I went to her house and we sat up talking until 2 am. This conversation was the best we ever had; we were open and honest and it had a quality of intimacy that was missing when we dated. She offered to let me spend the night on her couch and I accepted. Rose had an appointment early Tuesday morning so we rode downtown together and had coffee which she bought. That might not sound like a big deal but it was to me because I felt appreciated, something I never felt when we were dating. When she left I asked if she would like to go out for dinner on her birthday in the late March and she agreed to that.

Looking back on my life there are many occasions when I thought I was ready for something and was not. I moved to British Columbia in 1992 thinking it would be a smooth transition and it was anything but. Stuff was in the way. Rose and I began an intense relationship without getting to know each other first and it was doomed from the start. Can we be friends now? We'll see. Am I wary of her? You bet I am. But even in that I see that if we focus on crating a friendship with each other only good can come from that. I love her boys as much as if they were my own and in fact I refer to them as my sons. I'd make friends with the devil to keep them in my life.

So here I am engages in the process of letting go. This is not easy for me but I'm doing it. And perhaps this will not work out. Maybe I'm just setting myself up to be hurt again and if that happens so be it. I walked into this with my eyes wide open. There is a huge payoff waiting on the other side of this. I said earlier that my not letting go and letting my light shine came out of my relationship with my mother. My relationship with her is the ultimate in me not letting go. As I let go of Rose I do the same with my mother. As I stop giving both of them power over my life I get mine back. In that sense Rose may be the greatest gift I ever got. Funny how life works isn't it?

Chris O'Neil
drives a taxi in Windsor, ON.
Contact him at This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it